Where to begin... I've never had to "date" people before. The very concept unnerves me. Seems so forced and unnatural. I'm a terrible flirt. I feel awkward the second the flirting begins. I never know what to say. So why subject myself to it? Well...
I've only had 2 relationships of any significance in my life. I met them both via football. The first, I was with for nearly 10 years. Just an utter disaster. We were never suited. I ultimately didn't make an effort to make it work. It limped along before being put out of its misery. I felt like a 40yr old married woman in the relationship. It just was not for me. He tried bless him. He couldn't make me happy. I hope he's happy now.
The second one was the most significant because he was only only one I've ever fallen for. And I fell hard. After he pursued it, encouraged it, he simply changed his mind. What followed were 2-3 yrs of backwards and forwards. Him telling me he didn't want to lead me on but he had feelings for me, fancied me, wanted to sleep with me but I was not someone he could see himself in a relationship with. We apparently got along too well. Had too much in common. I was his best friend. His lover. His rock. His partner in crime. We had that unconditional almost sibling like bond. I'd have done anything for him. It was pure love. But that's not what he wanted as a partner. He wanted someone subservient to him. Not of equal standing. He said I was his equal if not his superior. That he couldn't deal with that. That I was too strong for him. None of this made the fact I was hopelessly in love with my soulmate any easier. Then he met a girl who suited him and within a year and a half they were married. Nice one 👍. It's a Hollywood love story with a terrible terrible ending.
In tatters and with a monstrously broken heart, I wondered what I could do. How could I have been so wrong about something I felt in my bones was right. How could I ever trust another person or even myself again?
I was scared, not that I'd never meet someone who could fall for me, I'd had that before a few times. Rather I was scared I'd never feel again about another person, how I felt about him and even if I did, I'd never be able to relax without believing it would be taken away at any moment. Regardless, I thought, well let's see the kinds of people out there.....and then my eyes were opened to the lunacy of Internet dating.
